Who wouldn’t be? As our own Zoe Grimm commented during her hangover post, we should all “be outraged that such violence happens to anyone (regardless of race, age, gender, orientation, etc.) and that there are many victims who don't/can't get the help they need to leave and recover from such abuses.” But as Zoe also said, it’s important to channel that outrage into something meaningful.
We were inspired to speak with someone who's received much praise for her works on domestic violence awareness: journalist Megan Hussey. Here’s a transcript of our interview:
TVP: Hi Megan, we’re so glad to be speaking with you today. We’d love to hear more about what inspired you to explore and write about domestic violence awareness.
MH: It’s something that I’ve always been passionate about. I unfortunately lost a member of my family to domestic violence, when I was young. So to me it wasn’t a choice to write about this. I just became very committed at a young age to help out. In college I coordinated ‘Take Back the Night’ marches, and I was a member of a feminist group. When I was out of college, I actually did an article for my hometown newspaper about a domestic violence shelter in my area. And after the article, I got a call from the executive director and she told me that my story really helped people, they received so many phone calls from people seeking help and wanting to help the shelter out. That’s when I knew that this was really my calling, this was a way to use my talents to really make a difference.
TVP: What organizations are you currently working with (on domestic violence awareness)?
MH: I work quite a bit with the Sunrise of Pasco domestic violence and sexual assault center. I just covered a One Billion Rising march, and for stage they’re going to be doing Vagina Monologues in a few weeks - so yeah, I’m very lucky to be working with an agency that’s doing so many wonderful things. And a couple of years ago they gave me a certificate honoring the stories that I’d done; I was very honored.
TVP: That’s so awesome!
MH: Why thank you.
TVP: During EP#20, we covered a range of abuse-related topics. With regards to domestic violence, why do you think so many smart women and men end up in those situations and with those people (batterers)?
MH: I think there’s several different reasons. For one thing, if they were raised in an abusive household and if they saw that kind of conduct go on - then that’s normal to them. They don’t see an abuser as someone with a problem. So that pattern is set for their life, and if they don’t get educated on how wrong it is, they later will seek out abusive relationships (either as the abuser or to be abused by someone else). And I think another reason is that women today, and even some men but it’s mostly women, are conditioned to be martyrs and saviors. We’re the ones who are supposed to fix everything, especially in intimate relationships. If something’s going wrong, we feel like we have to do everything we can to make our partners happy, to make the kids happy, for the good of the family, and so on. So if a woman is in an abusive relationship, she may feel compelled to try to save her abuser. And unfortunately she can’t do that; the only way that person can be helped is through professional intervention.TVP: Let’s say someone finds herself in an abusive relationship. Maybe she’s aware of how wrong the situation is, maybe she’s been in denial but someone else has confronted her about it and pleaded with her to get help. Do you think then that the first step would be to seek professional help?
MH: Yes, and I think also the very first step is to get out of the situation. Statistically, a woman is more likely to be murdered or severely injured when she’s trying to get out. So my first advice to anyone is: the moment you recognize that you’re in an abusive relationship, just leave and FAST. Even if you have to do so quietly, even if you can’t take any of your possessions with you. Shelters have toiletries, clothing, food, etc. The only thing you need is you and, if you have kids, them, too. And don’t go back for any reason. The second step would be to seek help, counseling and/or police intervention, if you decide to bring charges against your attacker. After leaving an abusive situation, you need to take care of yourself; you can’t just go on from a situation like that and expect to just go on with your life.
TVP: Why do you think some people have a ‘bystander’ mentality when they see violence happen around them? Why don’t more people intervene when they see someone threaten, hit, or otherwise behave violently towards his or her partner?
MH: I’m very glad you brought that up, because that’s one of the things they emphasize at Sunrise. When a woman is murdered or her abused by her husband, many times people will say “oh, I never would have guessed [that] about them.” But really, if they looked at their history and what they saw with this couple, then that’s probably not true. The signs could be anything from overt, like someone shoving or grabbing his partner at a party, to subtle (but still belligerent and disrespectful) behavior, like someone insulting his partner. Also, if someone notices a woman ill at ease, nervous, around her husband, that’s a big sign right there that something is not right between them. I think people are afraid to get involved because they see it as a private matter, between the couple. Like it’s none of their business. But it is their business, because a crime is being committed. If someone saw a little old lady being mugged, would they shrug and say ‘oh I’ll just let her work that out’? Hopefully none of us would do that. And we have to start doing that with domestic violence, too, because it’s just as much of a crime and if no one helps out, it increases the likelihood that the victim won’t survive.
TVP: What about for people who don’t want to be just bystanders? There may be the case where a family member, friend, colleague, etc. wants to help someone who’s being abused, but the victim tells him or her not to get involved or that she doesn’t need their help. What should they do?
MH: It’s certainly a complex problem. The standard in society is that you can only help someone who wants to be helped, you can only save someone who wants to be saved. That’s true in many situations, but in the case of domestic abuse, if the victim says something along the lines of “I don’t need help” or “back off,” they’re probably feeling pressured to say that (by their abuser). They may be threatened, like “don’t you ever tell anyone about us,” with the implication that if they do, then it’s going to get worse. You have to treat it like you would hostages, who might say “oh they’re treating me very well” - of course they’d say that, they’re afraid of what may happen if they told the truth or if they tried to escape. I think for someone who wants to help someone who’s in an abusive relationship, the best thing to do would be to contact a local shelter and ask for advice. Talk to friends and family members, people who know the abused person, and get others involved. Or you can also call the police; it’s like the case with the mugger, if you know a crime has been committed then you also know something has to be done.
TVP: Agreed, the whole ‘staying out of it’ approach is wrong.
MH: Yes, because it hurts not only the victim but also the bystander. Because if anything happens to the victim (like she’s murdered, paralyzed after an attack, etc.), then the bystander has to live with that guilt for the rest of his or her life: I could have done something, but I didn’t.
TVP: Absolutely. Thank you so much Megan for taking the time to speak with us.
MH: Thank you. I think it’s wonderful that you ladies are discussing this topic. The more aware everyone is, the better we’ll all be. Take care!
*****
To learn more about domestic violence awareness, we highly recommend you check out Megan Hussey's works, including:
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